Erin Rose Mulwane-Larsen 1981-2007
When you died, I learned what it meant to live. Living isn't about taking leaps out of planes, getting drunk until you can't remember you're drunk, or about forgiving enemies and saying 'I love you' to those you take for granted. Living is about surviving. I learned that to live I have to be careful. I can't take risks. I can't grab life by the balls and enjoy it to the fullest. I live by hiding, and by staying away from what is dangerous. I live a very simple and dull life.
I have to live in such a way that those we care about are happy enough. They won't be happy enough if they are too worried about losing me. I can't tell them 'I love you,' because it sounds like goodbye. I can't stay away too long because of their fear that I won't return.
That is what life is. That is how to live. Live so those you love won't know what it's like to lose you.
When you died, I stopped fearing my own death. I don't wonder what will happen, where I will go, how it will be. You are there. You're gone. You know. I know that even if I die in pain, it won't last forever. What I fear is what it will do to those I leave behind. If I am old and wrinkled, having lived my life, simple and dull as it is, then I won't fear. I will know that those I left behind knew I lived to make them happy enough. My fear is that I won't reach old age, and that I will leave behind broken pieces of loved ones holding on to trinkets of memories. Clutching to items that I had forgotten in life, but gives them a chance to think of me and say, "She loved this," or buying gifts I will never see just so they can smile and say, "She would have loved this."
That I will have made their fears come true.
Because I know what it's like to live without you.
I have to live in such a way that those we care about are happy enough. They won't be happy enough if they are too worried about losing me. I can't tell them 'I love you,' because it sounds like goodbye. I can't stay away too long because of their fear that I won't return.
That is what life is. That is how to live. Live so those you love won't know what it's like to lose you.
When you died, I stopped fearing my own death. I don't wonder what will happen, where I will go, how it will be. You are there. You're gone. You know. I know that even if I die in pain, it won't last forever. What I fear is what it will do to those I leave behind. If I am old and wrinkled, having lived my life, simple and dull as it is, then I won't fear. I will know that those I left behind knew I lived to make them happy enough. My fear is that I won't reach old age, and that I will leave behind broken pieces of loved ones holding on to trinkets of memories. Clutching to items that I had forgotten in life, but gives them a chance to think of me and say, "She loved this," or buying gifts I will never see just so they can smile and say, "She would have loved this."
That I will have made their fears come true.
Because I know what it's like to live without you.
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